Sierra and I went to Hilton Head Island to celebrate her 11th birthday. It was the beginning of a new tradition where we will go away with the kids for their birthdays each year, just one of us and them, every year, starting at 11.
The weekend was incredible. She and I just talked, about everything. All the way down, we went over a little book I bought at a yard sale called, "Middle School Survival Manual." The 1st half was all about academics and lockers and that kind of school stuff. She realy appreciated the quotes by other kids and suggestions for very practical ways to manage everything related to becoming a teen. That was great.
Then we went out on the beach for a walk, but the wind was strong and cold! And we got hungry, so we walked over to the little marina and found an oyster roast! It was the big re-opening for the season, so there were people all around and live music. That was fun. We ordered our food and froze as we waited. We made it through a few slices of pizza before she was asking to go back to the room to dethaw! But even that was fun.
After dinner, we sat on the couch for like an hour and a half and went over the rest of that little book. In addition to talking about some hard stuff, like abortion and teen pregnancy, we talked a lot about her, just her. Who she is and what she wants. We made a list of things that make her feel good about herself and her skills and talents. We also made a list of her goals for middle school. But before we did all that, I think that was my favorite.
In that great parenting book I have been reading, there was a little diagram of a circle to represent identity for a teen. On the inside was "identity in Christ" and on the outside were a handful of different things people use to define themselves, good or bad. I knew I wanted to show that to her, but I had no idea where God was going to take it. I started with the basic circle and asked her what people use to define themselves. She must have named more than a dozen things. We wrote those around the circle and labeled them "things you do." Then, on the inside, I asked her to tell me who she is. I told her what activities she does or what she wears or any of the other things she'd listed don't define her. She was quiet. She wasn't sure about who she is when I took those things away. Then I wrote "Identity in Christ," and she was with me and began to name off things like: saved, forgiven, accepted, loved, safe, enthralling, and we labeled the inside of the circle "Who I Am." Then I drew outside the circle the word "pain" over and over with arrows pointing at the circle and I told her that people will try to exact pain onto her through those things that are on the outside of the circle. Like not wearing the right clothes or doing the right activities or grades or friends or ... I also wrote insecurity around the pain because people hurt out of their own insecurity. She had an ah-ha moment and said, "Ok, so if someoe doesn't like my shirt, it doesn't change who I am because my identity in Christ is TRUTH." I felt like doing a dance!!!! Oh, if I had only known that at 11 -- oh, if I had only known it now sometimes! It was a moment.
After that, she was tired. I felt like jumping out of my skin! After I painted her nails, she crashed on me at 9:30! I was awake until 3:30, I was so wired. But I just kept looking at her sleep and felt incredibly grateful. I wanted her heart, and she gave it to me! Is there anything more precious in the world?
There's more, but even just that conversation makes the fear I had been feeling about her teen years just vanish. God loves me enough to have shown me the right books at the right time and given us the right time at the right time. I just know that He is going to lead me while I am trying to lead her.
Makes me think of Isaiah 40:11: "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." He is going to show me what she needs and then equip me to help meet those needs. By none of this do I mean to exclude her daddy. It's just that I am always hearing her questions about how to be a woman, and I know that our relationship right now is critical in the woman she becomes. Just so encouraging to not feel alone and know that the God who made her will show me how to love her. Beautiful.
So, the next morning, which for me came rediculously early for me, had us talking again over breakfast. I asked her about some of the biggest things from that parenting book. I said things like: "'I have been learning about you, and here's what I think may be true. Tell me what you think." She perked right up. And I proceeded to tell her things like: "You want me to hear your heart, where you are struggling, even when your behavior is obnoxious. You want me to understand the why behind the no. You really want to talk to me when you are convinced that I want to hear you. You want me to help you discover who you are, but you want to be the one leading that charge. You value your freedom." She affirmed every one of those and a handful more, and on the freedom one, she said, "Yeah, and I understand that you need to trust me in order to give me freedom." WOW!!! That conversation ended with her giving me some very deep places in her heart.
Then, we went and rented a bike built for 2. It was another moment when I felt like I could have gone home right then! It was already so good. But we got the tandem bike and set out. Went to the forest preserve and rode around where the gators live (none out in the cold, though). Then we went to the stables and played with the horses for a while. She loved that -- totally romanced her heart! Then we went to Harbor Town and walked around. That was so great. She had such a sweet moment: we were both hungry and were trying to decide whether or not to get something there or go get a snack at the condo. We looked at a few menus, and my sweet girl said, "I could get a kids' meal, but then you'd have to eat seafood that you don't really like. And it's expensive. I can wait." I was so delighted to see her so considerate and kind to me! Those kind of things make me love this growing up thing.
I think that most people reach this spot and go to the "my baby is growing" sadness. I am not having it right now! Maybe it'll hit later from other places, but right now, maybe because I did the baby thing for such a long time, I am loving this next stage. With Si, it's incredible, and even with Ranger, it is nice to have new freedoms and abilities to do things we never could. So I am finding myself surprised to just be looking forward with excitement and joy.
So the last thing we did was to go ride on the beach. It was great -- she kept saying that she loved it, that she couldn't wait until next year when we'd come back, that she was so glad we rented the bike. We even talked about how the bike was like our relationship. I am in front, leading us into the teen years. But she's right there with me, and even though I am shakey sometimes, we haven't fallen yet! It was just such a neat picture of what it's like to be in relationship. She got that.
We packed up and put the top down and took the long way off the island. Even that was great, as we cranked up the cd player and really worshipped together, dancing and singing. It was such a joy to knit our hearts to together in worship, with the sky above us. Ahhhh -- wonderful. And then, on the ride home, my girl was worn out! She slept some, and when we tried to talk, she was too tired! The Lord had worn her out in every way. I was delighted!
And so last night, she kept touching me, like a light brush on my back as she walked by. Brian asked if she'd been doing that all weekend -- yeah, especially on the bike. She'd lean into my back and just stay there. It was so sweet to see outward signs of her feelings of affection. I'll take all of those I can get!
I left hoping for something great, a new tradition to start to build communication and connection. And now, I am already looking forward to next year! I cannot wait until Remy is old enough. And I am hungry for Brian's turn with the boys, too. It was just so luxurious to have such a long period of time alone with one of my children. It was such a long protracted time of margin, with no demands, only the need to bond. I think the Lord has given us something of incredible value. I pray that it will become so important to her that even she's grown with her own kids, she will still expect to get away with just me on her birthday. Lifelong tradition. I love it. And I am incredibly thankful.
